To start my husband “D” and I are going through a divorce which is a struggle for me as I didn’t have a say in the matter. So…. let me begin with my story. I have dealt with a lot of anxiety and panic attacks over the years and as a child I did have some anxiety as well. I have spent the last few years with a Christian counselor and through that time I feel like I have found the truth to my anxieties. I remember doing a Beth Moore study in which she said secrets manifest and Satan likes to hold those secrets in us and let them destroy us. He is the author of lies and is pretty masterful at making us deceive ourselves.
When I was 24 and “D” and I were dating I found out I was pregnant. I knew sex outside of marriage was wrong. My parents had “preached” that into me growing up, but that was about the only relationship advice I received from my parents. “D” supported me when I found out I was pregnant by saying “I’ll do whatever you want” but there wasn’t much discussion between us about the issue after that. It was my choice and he made that very clear. I loved my parents dearly and didn’t want to disappoint them or embarrass them so I decided to have the abortion. Afterwards I stuffed that secret and I stuffed it deep.
Two years after the abortion “D” and I decided to get married. I loved him but I also believe part of my choice in marrying him was I felt like “damaged goods” and if another man had found out what I had done he would not love me like “D” did.
We continued with the day to day life and did it well for the most part. We had three beautiful children, a beautiful home, good schools, nice cars, and a workaholic husband who was emotionally detached and a wife who was intimately broken. We had our good times and we also had our bad times. He dove into work and I did the same with the children. They were my safety net, my comfort. I was afraid of getting pregnant again, so intimacy was far and few between us. When we were “trying” to get pregnant it was fine but between having each child and my “control” issues I was always afraid of getting pregnant with a child that wasn’t planned.
We went to church like “good Christians” do. I was invited to join the BSF group in 1999, but I had never really been in the Word before then. I grew up in an Episcopal Church and we didn’t use the Bible much. After realizing I wasn’t being nourished, we started to seek a new church home, and we found ourselves at Northpoint Community Church.
All the years I have spent in BSF, I have learned how much Jesus loves me. How He uses those who are weak and until I gave up control and realized how weak I was, my healing couldn’t begin. Three years ago I was introduced to a Christian counselor by a friend of mine. What had brought us to this counselor was “D’s” anger issues. He was never physically or verbally abusive, but when he got tired his patience would fly out the window. Even the kids had noticed this with him. I told him he needed to figure out what the root of his anger was and asked him if he would go see this counselor with me. He agreed! After the initial session, which was a basic tell me about what is going on kind of session, “D” agreed to go back. After a few appointments with the counselor, “D” called me and said he couldn’t make it to that day’s session. I decided to go so we wouldn’t lose any money and so my sessions began. After that day “D” never went back and I knew our marriage was in danger.
Our counselor likes to get to the “basement” to find out our core identity, or should I say the identity that Satan has lied to us. Satan had me believing I wasn’t lovable, that I was worthless and not contributing to the marriage as my “money- winning” husband was. The breaking down of myself began in order to see my Christ-like identity. If I hadn’t had the foundation of God’s word, this healing process wouldn’t have been possible. I started to read books as well that our counselor had recommended and this was both good and bad. Good because it was so healing for me and bad because I realized how far apart “D” and I had grown. I began to go through a forgiveness session with the counselor. This is where I would write down all the people I was forgiving even for the simplest things, such as my parents for never taken the time to discuss relationships with me, my past boyfriends for taking away my virginity. I forgave “D” for a number of things, but I still didn’t feel quite right. It wasn’t until a friend of mine asked “have you forgiven yourself”? This was a powerful moment as a light bulb went off. I hadn’t forgiven myself, so I sat in a chair in the counselor’s office and sobbed over the child I had aborted. This was healing!
I started to see “D” in a new light. I saw him for his brokenness and the family he came from. I understood his work drive and how he needed affection, which I hadn’t been able to give him in the past. I started to look forward to moving onward in our relationship. At this point though, “D” was no longer interested in restoring our marriage. I pleaded with him to go back to the counselor. I asked him if there was another woman, and he assured me there wasn’t, which I believe. The other woman in his life is his work and that is his identity. We had numerous conversations in which I did most of the talking or his anger would rear up. He moved out of our house in July of 2014 and we are still working on the divorce papers. I went through many reactions: anger, denial, depression, and guilt. I stayed in God’s word for hours a day clinging to Him as He continued to tell me to be still.
Jesus has me right where He wants me right now. I have connections with patients at the PRCG as I help them realize the humanity of their unborn children. I have also been able to share my abortion story with my mom and children. There are no more secrets manifesting in me, Praise the Lord!
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