Redemption After an Abortion

A letter frohands upm one of our volunteers,

To start my husband “D” and I are going through a divorce which is a struggle for me as I didn’t have a say in the matter. So…. let me begin with my story. I have dealt with a lot of anxiety and panic attacks over the years and as a child I did have some anxiety as well. I have spent the last few years with a Christian counselor and through that time I feel like I have found the truth to my anxieties. I remember doing a Beth Moore study in which she said secrets manifest and Satan likes to hold those secrets in us and let them destroy us. He is the author of lies and is pretty masterful at making us deceive ourselves.

When I was 24 and “D” and I were dating I found out I was pregnant. I knew sex outside of marriage was wrong. My parents had “preached” that into me growing up, but that was about the only relationship advice I received from my parents. “D” supported me when I found out I was pregnant by saying “I’ll do whatever you want” but there wasn’t much discussion between us about the issue after that. It was my choice and he made that very clear. I loved my parents dearly and didn’t want to disappoint them or embarrass them so I decided to have the abortion. Afterwards I stuffed that secret and I stuffed it deep.

Two years after the abortion “D” and I decided to get married. I loved him but I also believe part of my choice in marrying him was I felt like “damaged goods” and if another man had found out what I had done he would not love me like “D” did.

We continued with the day to day life and did it well for the most part. We had three beautiful children, a beautiful home, good schools, nice cars, and a workaholic husband who was emotionally detached and a wife who was intimately broken. We had our good times and we also had our bad times. He dove into work and I did the same with the children. They were my safety net, my comfort. I was afraid of getting pregnant again, so intimacy was far and few between us. When we were “trying” to get pregnant it was fine but between having each child and my “control” issues I was always afraid of getting pregnant with a child that wasn’t planned.

We went to church like “good Christians” do. I was invited to join the BSF group in 1999, but I had never really been in the Word before then. I grew up in an Episcopal Church and we didn’t use the Bible much. After realizing I wasn’t being nourished, we started to seek a new church home, and we found ourselves at Northpoint Community Church.

 

All the years I have spent in BSF, I have learned how much Jesus loves me. How He uses those who are weak and until I gave up control and realized how weak I was, my healing couldn’t begin. Three years ago I was introduced to a Christian counselor by a friend of mine. What had brought us to this counselor was “D’s” anger issues. He was never physically or verbally abusive, but when he got tired his patience would fly out the window. Even the kids had noticed this with him. I told him he needed to figure out what the root of his anger was and asked him if he would go see this counselor with me. He agreed! After the initial session, which was a basic tell me about what is going on kind of session, “D” agreed to go back. After a few appointments with the counselor, “D” called me and said he couldn’t make it to that day’s session. I decided to go so we wouldn’t lose any money and so my sessions began. After that day “D” never went back and I knew our marriage was in danger.

Our counselor likes to get to the “basement” to find out our core identity, or should I say the identity that Satan has lied to us. Satan had me believing I wasn’t lovable, that I was worthless and not contributing to the marriage as my “money- winning” husband was. The breaking down of myself began in order to see my Christ-like identity. If I hadn’t had the foundation of God’s word, this healing process wouldn’t have been possible. I started to read books as well that our counselor had recommended and this was both good and bad. Good because it was so healing for me and bad because I realized how far apart “D” and I had grown. I began to go through a forgiveness session with the counselor. This is where I would write down all the people I was forgiving even for the simplest things, such as my parents for never taken the time to discuss relationships with me, my past boyfriends for taking away my virginity. I forgave “D” for a number of things, but I still didn’t feel quite right. It wasn’t until a friend of mine asked “have you forgiven yourself”? This was a powerful moment as a light bulb went off. I hadn’t forgiven myself, so I sat in a chair in the counselor’s office and sobbed over the child I had aborted. This was healing!

I started to see “D” in a new light. I saw him for his brokenness and the family he came from. I understood his work drive and how he needed affection, which I hadn’t been able to give him in the past. I started to look forward to moving onward in our relationship. At this point though, “D” was no longer interested in restoring our marriage. I pleaded with him to go back to the counselor. I asked him if there was another woman, and he assured me there wasn’t, which I believe. The other woman in his life is his work and that is his identity. We had numerous conversations in which I did most of the talking or his anger would rear up. He moved out of our house in July of 2014 and we are still working on the divorce papers. I went through many reactions: anger, denial, depression, and guilt. I stayed in God’s word for hours a day clinging to Him as He continued to tell me to be still.

Jesus has me right where He wants me right now. I have connections with patients at the PRCG as I help them realize the humanity of their unborn children. I have also been able to share my abortion story with my mom and children. There are no more secrets manifesting in me, Praise the Lord!

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6 thoughts on “Redemption After an Abortion

  • I was just meant to read your story tonight. I was struggling to fall asleep thinking of my own experience so decided to go onto Google and read about abortion which I’ve realised I’m a bit obsessed with. Nearly four years ago, I had an abortion, It was the most painful experience I’ve ever encountered both physically and mentally. To this day I still feel the emotional pain and regret. I was alone and it was an unplanned pregnancy, the father of the baby made it clear he wanted me to abort. I ddnt want to but I was scared of being alone as my family wasn’t going to accomodate this so I ended my baby’s life. Today I feel like damaged goods, like I’m just worthless and so reading your post made me realise that yes the devil tries to attack us through our secrets and mistakes. I’m single and have been for a very long time, maybe that’s where the feelings are coming from but I’ve been feeling like I’m now just nothing. I wouldn’t advise anyone to have an abortion, the long term effects are terrible.

    • Shile,
      I am the writer of the above post. Please know that you are not “damaged goods” as I felt I was. That is what Satan wants you to believe. You are God’s child and he loves you so much and you are perfect in his sight. IN fact he loves you so much he gave his only Son to us and to die for us to take away our sins and the guilt we carry with them. If God can do that for us we can forgive ourselves and learn to love ourselves again. If we can’t, then Jesus death was for nothing. (And I KNOW that’s not true). I find comfort in reading over and over in the Bible how God uses the weak. For in my weakness he makes me strong. I would not wish the emotional pain on my own worse enemy but thru this I have developed a relationship with my Lord and Savior that I wouldn’t trade for the world. He has used me to reach out to others and to tell my story in hopes that I can save a child and save a woman thru going thru this emotional suffering.
      Mallory is right in telling you there is help and resources to get you thru this. I did a bible study once in which the message was “secrets manifest”. The more we hold our secrets in the more it eats away at us. There is freedom in releasing these secrets with a counselor, a friend, a support group. I pray you will find that group and start your healing process. Thru Christ all things are possible. I don’t know if PRCG can release my name to you but you can call them and ask if you would like to talk to me. Hang in there and know you are loved.

  • Thank you Mallory and Tracy for your warm words. I don’t still have such thoughts of being damaged goods anymore which makes me realise it was the devil toying with me trying to get me to believe this about myself- but thankfully God pulled me out of that pit.

    One of my closest friends who stood with me through out the whole ordeal always says I’m weak because I haven’t put this completely behind me but its difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t been through one. Very few people know about mine but nobody is able to offer any support so I am grateful for all of u as it does help talking to people who are familiar with this and how terrible an ordeal it is. Tracy, sharing your experience that day helped someone else (me) and who knows who else. We may not know but at times someone out there is desperately looking for some kind of hope. I would definitely like to talk more as I really don’t have anyone when it comes to this. And whether I like it or not, this has become a part of my life. So I need to learn to deal with it.

    • Let me start by saying I am proud to be weak and not faking my strength anymore. For God uses the weak. It is when we fall to our knees and surrender, that God begins to heal us and use us. So don’t be afraid to be weak. Please reach out to PRCG and ask for Mallory so she can connect us. Again the center has a great class on post abortion care. You would be surprised the more you open up about this the more you have in common with someone. They say one in every three women who sit in church on Sunday’s have had an abortion. That’s not a good thing but there is healing on talking with others and that’s what the class has to offer. And thank you for replying and reassuring me that God has me where he wants me by helping others.

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